Well! Here I am, nearly a week past my due date. As usual. Scheduled for my regular induction tomorrow evening. I'm very ready to get this baby here. It's not so much nerves as just a desire to start getting things back to normal.
Normal. Whatever that is.

It's been a month since my last post which is strange. Every bit of me has been given to grow this baby, take care of Brad and kids, and get a nap when I could! Just driving home from errands a little while ago, I felt for the first time in a while that I might actually pick my camera up again soon or feel inspired to write something that means something. (Even if it's meaningful only to me.) Maybe it's the mild temperatures or the fact that I can almost smell and feel spring being right around the corner...whatever it is, I'm okay with saying goodbye to winter.

The nursery is pretty  much done. I'll add a few things as I find them I'm sure. My Mom has an amazing ability to find bargains unlike anyone I know. Of course, it takes time, patience, and a willingness to shop for things in odd places.
BTW, none of those things are strengths of mine which is why I was thrilled with the help she gave me. She has to pull me along after about the fifth store, whether it be Big Lots, the Salvation Army, or some mysterious second hand store.
BUT! I went willingly and was very pleased with the results.
***Thank you Mom!!! ***

We have a name. (After much deliberation and prayer)
It's a name I wrote on a list when I was 15 years old.
I love it.

We had a little "snow" here recently. Schools closed and everything.
A light dusting is a big deal, you know!!

It's 8:20 on this first day of January 2010. It's overcast and rather chilly. The kids have been up a while, already begging to jump on the trampoline. (Their favorite, much anticipated Christmas gift). On that subject, can I just tell you how thankful I am for safety enclosures?! Seriously.

Brad's been on call all week so he's rounding at the moment. I'm about to get up and get it in gear. I love the idea of a fresh start. I'm cleaning out the closet in the baby's room, placing my mismatched furniture, and getting the crib or "criddle", as Reese kept saying, assembled. (I think it's a combination of crib and cradle) I'm washing sheets, going through piles that have mounted in my laundry room, and a little sadly, taking down decorations. I love to clear out and throw away so even taking down my beautiful tree is not terribly depressing.

I'm making lists. I have 27 days til I'm due. Which for me, isn't' a lot of time....especially if you knew that I have done practically nothing in preparation. We MAY even have decided on a name!

Last night, we did a few sparklers and lit some kind of spinning firecrackers on the driveway. It's nights like that I despise living in a neighborhood. I'm paranoid about being a nuisance, so we kept things quiet. Even the dog had to go in his kennel because he was going nuts.

Didn't see the crystal ball in NYC drop.....couldn't keep my own eye balls open. I told Brad, "One of these years, we're getting all dressed up, hiring a sitter, going to the city for dinner, some kind of show, and a night in a fancy hotel."

I got such a kick out of the childrens' responses when I explained to them we were starting a new year. They were fascinated by the concept of leaving 2009. And January holds extra special excitement for Reese. Birthday month! That sweet child asks me, "Why is my birthday last?" It does no good to explain to her that even though the others are all in the fall and it FEELS like she's last, she's actually the first birthday of the year.
 Doesn't get it.
She's last.

2009 has been the fastest year yet. It's mostly a blur. I mean, I remember things in vivid detail and it's been a great year but I feel like I blinked and it's gone.

I'm not one for resolutions but when the New Year rolls around, I can't resist thinking about a few things I want to work on. So maybe, I am a resolutions kind of gal.....just a noncommittal one! (Which is probably something I should work on!)

I want to complete my One Year Bible. Just for the discipline of it.

I need to complete some organizational things I just haven't had time to finish. That's an immediate thing I plan to tackle this weekend while Brad is off and I don't yet have a newborn to tend to. When a baby is coming, I feel the need to SIMPLIFY in a major sort of way.

I typically eat relatively healthy but have gotten in a little slump of late.  That changes today. Back to my good habits. Can't wait to get back in some sort of shape. I look forward to no more heart burn and actually being able to breathe. Oh. And when I'm in bed, not having to use every bit of strength I have to roll from one side to the other! It's not too unlike a beached whale flopping around. (Brad would disagree. He's so sweet and tells me how amazing I look.....thank you, honey.)


I would love to get a new computer this year. My desktop has all my photos but is practically useless for the internet. Brad's old laptop is quick but has no photos. I'm straddling the two and can't wait to pitch them both and get a new one.

I want to become better acquainted with my friend, Canon. I'm better now than I was a year ago but I'm not yet GOOD. Not sure how to get there but I intend to. I learn best by spending time with someone who knows more than I do, so AMBER, I MIGHT COME SEE YOU!

Today is the last football game we have a severe interest in. Things will get loud around here in a couple hours.

Here are a few of my favorite pictures from 2009.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I've been thinking a lot about my role as a wife and mother. It's not like I qualify as a newlywed but I hope to get better and better as I age...ahem....mature.  

I remember before I got married, while living in the euphoric bliss of young love, wondering if in the years to come, this man I was going to marry would eventually grow tired of me.

How would we change with time?

 I knew life wasn't a fairytale but I refused to believe things had to go sour or become a bore after a certain number of anniversaries. Here I am, 12 years later, fully aware of what real love looks like. The ups and downs.... the romantic encounters and "you drive me crazy" moments.... the deepest "I love you" and the regretful word spoken in anger....all of it defines this crazy little thang called love!

By God's grace and a really, really good man, I love where I am and with whom I am walking through life.
(In an effort to keep it real, just as I was typing that last sentence, Brad called me with how much it's going to cost to get disability insurance for him. I almost had a duck, my stomach tightened and I am now perspiring! So, while I do love where I am, I won't mind when the school loans are paid off and there's a little less pressure! Better yet, I will choose contentment, TRUST Him and not fret over things I can't control. How 'bout that?! Wow. Okay, back to it)

So! My role as a wife. I've come to the conclusion that the feminist movement has to a degree, infiltrated even the conservative. Not completely but in small, subtle ways....in attitude and response if nothing else.

I always wonder what goes wrong first in failed marriages. Is it the small things or that one, monumental offense? Or both, maybe.
 
In one of my favorite romantic comedies, a couple had gotten divorced but remained friends of sorts. Years later, the man asked his ex-wife, "What happened with us? Did I just not see you?" She is floored and responds, "No. You didn't." He then apologizes and they laugh about how long it took them to identify that one misstep.

Recently Brad and I had been  discussing some things that kept re-surfacing and had reached a stalemate. We were in our den, had talked til we were cross-eyed, were completely bogged down in the details and weren't making enough progress to feel like we were really dealing with the heart of the issue.

Then the light came on.
The bottom line.
The summarizing statement that would lead to perfect clarity and freedom.

I decidedly and almost excitedly declared,
"The BOTTOM line is that YOU aren't LOVING ME and I am not RESPECTING YOU!!!"
(I am NOT addressing marriages where only one person is trying. It's a two way street and for any one person left to navigate both sides one their own, God bless you.)

After that epiphany, I began to mull over the image of the 1950's wife (you know...June Cleaver ) and the stark differences in the wife of 2009.   
(I hope I need not say it, but for the record, YES, I believe in equal rights for everyone, I do not fetch my husband's slippers and pipe while he leisurely reads the paper, and I do not believe any woman should take abuse in any form. OH and I do not usually make a hot breakfast and nor do I smile and say, "Yes, Dear." every time I am addressed!)

What comes first.....the husband loving or the wife respecting? Don't know.
I can only deal with my part and this is it. Do I find joy and satisfaction in finding ways to be a help meet for Brad?  Do I grow weary of constantly being needed? (Of course I do, BUT, when I'm at that point, do I find strength and satisfaction in knowing this is a vital part of my calling in life?) Do I spend more time thinking about things he needs to do better than I do thinking of ways to encourage and build him up?

I know for a fact that when I am most concerned about making myself happy, I am anything but. When I am looking out for myself, demanding that MY needs get met, things go downhill fast. On the other hand, when I choose selflessness and an attitude of service towards Brad, not only am I the most content but I am amazed at the way he responds to me.
It doesn't take much to make him tick. A hug, "Do you need anything?", any little gesture that lets him know I'm thinking about him does amazing things. I hesitate to even publish this because I feel like I have so much growing to do in this area.

I think after time and multiple children, you have to be  intentional in not loosing your marriage in the midst of family. You need to re-visit the idea of taking care of each other.
 
As for my role as a Mother, I don't have the energy to go there tonight. As far as the children are concerned, today has been a day full of joy but also, with more than one issue, I have been left quivering to the point of tears over what a faith walk parenting is. My resolution today is that rearing children is not for the faint of heart!  This is a blog for another day.

It's Christmas and I love it.

 

Never would have thought I would wrap in black paper but I'm a fan.

A few rejects from our Christmas card selection:

Brad really wanted the dog in the final shot but it just wasn't meant to be.

The goofiness that is us....or him at least!:

 
It's bad when you have to use the finger! "You need to straighten up! " (and she did)

I feel like I've been meeting myself coming and going these last two weeks. Things have been so very busy of late but after Friday my calendar is not quite as full and frankly, I'm looking forward to it. I'm a girl who likes to stay in bedroom shoes ALL day at least once a week! One of the things I love most about having a new baby is that it forces me to slow down. It gives me a really good reason to say no to just about anything. It gives me the freedom to stay home and just be Mom. Of course it also means a few sleepless nights and adjustments to a new lifestyle and schedule. Now that I think about it, I believe I'm still in shock. LOL!
Anyhoo.   Busy schedules make me stop and take little moments to appreciate the simple things. The stuff that really matters.

The laughter and smiles of my kiddos.

Life seems to get busier and busier around here. I'm not entirely complaining but most of the time a slower pace suits me just fine.  I know there are seasons and stages of life, the ebb and flow, I just don't want the busy, hectic, and stressful to take a minute away from the fun of life.

The kids are still little, but I already sense we're just starting to enter a new, more complicated part of this journey. A wise lady once told me that when your babies are small it's very hard physically but so very simple when compared to parenting older children. There are the emotional stresses of how they are being shaped, their self-esteem, their decisions, their hormones, the attitudes, their coming independence, and their spiritual well-being. (Just to name a few!) In just a few conversations with my almost eight year old, I miss the simplicity of the toddler. That being said, I wouldn't trade where I am now....I love hearing his little thought processes and the opportunities I have to attempt to connect with his heart. I'm praying for strong characters to be developed in all the children, that they would know who they really are and why they are valuable.

More than that, I feel the need to find strength for myself as I parent. To resist worry, fear, and the tendency to over analyze the details, as I so easily do.

I constantly find myself stuck in the middle of two different though processes:

1. You can only do so much with your kids. They're going to make their own choices, so do the best you can and hang on for the ride. They'll probably turn out just fine.

2. Spend every waking moment thinking about, planning, and doing things that train, teach, and train some more. If you, the parent, do it well, your kids will most definitely not waver. So, work, work, work!

Both scenarios leave me a little stressed out and I know the key is probably a combination of the two. I think it's time tweak our strategy as we enter phase 2 of parenting school age kids. We may end up years down the road deciding we had the wrong plan but we at least have to have one! I know where to go for answers but I also know God gives us PEOPLE to encourage and share the wisdom they've received. 

So, how 'bout it?! Any insight from you Mothers who have done this a little longer than I? Any parenting books I can't go without reading?

 

Here are a few shots of our recent getaway.

We were nothing but a party last Saturday. Someone asked me how old I was to which I responded, "I'm that scary age when, if you're pregnant, they want to do extra tests on the baby!" To the tests, I say, "Thanks but no thanks" and to the birthday wishes I say, "Turning one year older beats the alternative!" Every day is an absolute gift so turning 35  is a privilege.

AND! Four years ago on my birthday, we celebrated another birth day....Avery Elizabeth was born. Without digging out her baby book, I can't remember what time it was or how long she was, but I remember the unique style she arrived in.

I had been at the hospital a number of hours, maybe half the day. The sweet 70 something nurse had just checked me and told me I was just about a ten and that she was going to start getting things ready. She preceded to happily open all the sterile instruments at a reasonable, relaxed pace. I lay there and thought to myself, I kind of think this baby is moving south and that nurse better pick up the pace.    Not wanting to over react, I waited a couple more seconds and tried to sound casual as I said, "You might want to check me again. Like now." She paused, like, "Okay sweetie, I'll be there in a sec." I turned to Brad and gave him that look like I mean N.O.W. He took a quick gander under the sheet, went a little pale and his eyes got as big as half dollars. He was staring at the head of our third child. The nurse had walked over by this point and immediately got panicky. Brad, (M.D. Brad, let me remind you) looked at her and asked, "What do I do?!" She was to busy fumbling for the phone to call my obstetrician to even hear the question, so I, completely astounded at this entire scenario replied, "YOU CATCH HER!" A half a second later, Brooke, the resident on call who also happens to be an angel, ran in the room just in time to reach out and grab our precious Ave as she made her debut on her mother's birthday.

To this day, she's a little spit fire. Full of expression. All or nothing. She's either really happy or really not happy. There's no guessing with her! The other day, she and big sister were given a task of cleaning up a certain room. I explained that Reese was in charge and would help her know where to put things. True to form, Avery looked at me, put her hands on her hips and said, "When I get big, I am going to be in charge of EVERYTHING!!!" Alrighty then. 

I don't think it's possible to completely put yourself in a position other than the one you are currently in. I guess if you've walked through an exact experience then you can truly say, "I know how you feel".

A couple days ago, friends from medical school lost their 2 year old twin boys. These sweet people tried for years before being able to conceive and deliver a baby. Asa and Elijah were born at 26 weeks gestation. I remember reading their family blog as they made frequent posts about the ups and downs that come with premature births. I thought it was so miraculous when I read that they were taking them home. Two little miracles...

And now they're gone. Their passing was the result of a freak, bizarre accident that you can't explain, understand, or make sense of. These parents are forever changed.

As I've been mulling over this in the last week, so many things have run through my mind.

First, I can't begin to imagine the pain. The emptiness. Devastating.

I can, however, imagine the power and grace of my God. I shudder to think of the horrid emotions a parent experiences after such trauma, but I know enough of God's character to know he's not afraid of our emotions. He can handle it.

A couple days ago, I was in the car, praying under my breath. Praying for comfort for this family. I felt dissatisfied in my prayer. Comfort is of course relevant but it wasn't enough. I kept having this sense that something more was needed. Something critical. Then guess Who spoke to my heart?. Sitting here, typing this, tears well up because I am so amazed that I serve a God who actually speaks to me. I'm not worthy in my flesh of that privilege but still, He does. 

This I know: When He speaks, it changes things. His voice is that life raft in the middle of the turmoil. And let's face it, if it's a really dark time, that's ALL that gets you through.

So, I began to ask God to not be silent. For this mother, in particular, whose every moment has been 100 % consumed by her children, to hear a voice that gives her a tiny glimmer of hope.  Hope in the TRUTH that God has a PURPOSE for her even still. Motherhood is a purpose in and of itself and I think if you don't see it that way, it's exhausting and could at times, seem insignificant. However, mothering is not all mothers are about. As long as we have breath, He has a reason for our being.  She needs to know this and a person telling her won't cut it. She needs to hear it from a place of omniscience.  Your purpose gets you out of bed. And bless her heart, humanly speaking, that simple task would seem unbearable after such a loss.

So, sometime this weekend, please say a prayer on behalf of this couple. It's a heavy burden to bear and I hate for anyone to experience such devastation.

Hug your children extra hard tonight. Don't feel guilty for a good day. Thank Him for it. Rejoice in the fact that He is faithful. That He promises grace. And that He doesn't break His promises. 

Don't let the small stuff entangle you. Work hard to not let the little things steal even a moment of your life.

The girls started ballet a couple weeks ago. You would've thought we were giving them the moon. They love it and I love taking them.

These pics are all Avery....Reese goes tomorrow and I'll have to take and post those this weekend. But for now, here is a sampling.